Have you ever been in a conversation, feeling like you need to be present or interested?
Feeling this way in conversations can be frustrating, but the good news is that effective techniques can help you show genuine interest and improve your communication skills!
Imagine this: You’re in a conversation, but your mind is elsewhere, and you struggle to stay focused. You start to realize that you're not listening to the other person.
Conversely, I’m sure you have also experienced this as the person speaking. You want to be heard but can sense their disinterest or lack of focus. Eye contact is missing, and they have their phone in their hand or constantly interrupt your flow.
Let’s shake things up a bit to enhance the quality of your communication skills!
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Active Listening
Active listening is not simply hearing a person speak. Think of “active” as “active participation” with non-verbal cues or short verbal contributions that do not hinder the other person’s speaking.
Nonverbal cues include body language, posture, tone, eye contact, and more. While eye contact may be seen as an essential marker of “listening,” many may find it uncomfortable to initiate or maintain someone’s gaze.
There are alternatives to eye contact that elicit the same effect!
I think it is akin to doodling while in class; you can still focus on the speaker while dispensing pent-up energies.
Just let the speaker know of your approach in advance!
The primary focus of active listening is presenting yourself as an active participant in the conversation, displaying empathy, and allowing adequate wait time for processing or for the person to continue speaking.
Withhold judgment or giving advice (especially too early).
Often, just listening is enough support!
Resist the urge to divert the conversation into personal anecdotes.
When coming from a place of support and empathy, we tend to share our own experiences to show a shared understanding or lived experience. However, the goal here is to allow space and time for the person sharing to get their thoughts together and to express them without interruption.
Interjecting personal experiences can take the central focus away from the person sharing.
This can result in barriers to understanding or distracting from the main topic.
Active Listening Strategies
Point your feet at the speaker. This creates an unconscious connection between the speaker and you. It demonstrates a nonverbal commitment to the speaker and forces you to realign your posture toward the speaker.
Mirror body language. Like with your feet, this sends a nonverbal signal of engagement. You can also deploy the opposite if you need to lower the temperature of the conversation.
Lower your shoulders, relax your face, loosen your posture, and be cognizant of your tone when speaking.
Lower your speaking volume to avoid a shouting match, and maintain this volume to signal to the other person to match yours.
Soundboarding or Looping. Conversations often break down because of misunderstandings or because people inject ideas or judgments into the content. In other words, it leaves the person thinking or saying, “You’re putting words in my mouth.”
Looping allows you to repeat what the person has said (word for word) to avoid misinterpreting their meaning.
This allows the speaker to hear their words and reflect (give wait time).
There are multicultural benefits to this as well!
Declutter Your Mind. Before starting, take the time to recognize the importance of your role in this conversation and remove any stimuli or distractions.
Put away your phone, headphones, laptop, etc.
Move to a quiet and private location that fosters an easier time talking.
If the timing doesn’t work, find a day/time that works best for both participants.
Open-ended Questions. Verbal contributions to the conversation should center around helping the speaker express their ideas and reflect on their content. However, you can ask questions for clarification or open-ended questions to help the speaker gain personal insights without injecting your perspective.
Be careful about asking “why” questions; these can make the speaker feel defensive.
“What steps you’ve taken to fix this situation?”
“What barriers might hinder your success?”
“How do you envision this problem becoming resolved?”
Thank the speaker. Remember, this person has come to you for help and support. You are an essential source of help, and having this conversation may be difficult for the speaker.
Make plans to follow up (accountability).
Offer emotional support if needed.
Keep the door open to future conversations.
You’re now an Active Listener!
Active listening involves more than just hearing someone speak. It requires focus, empathy, and openness to others. If you need help understanding how to accomplish this, emphasize yourself and how you would want someone to listen to you. Then, you should apply those expectations to yourself when you speak to others.
You can practice these techniques with anyone you talk to – it’s an excellent way to automate these strategies to make them easier to access when those heavier conversations occur. Active listening also helps in any context or environment – personal, professional, or academic.
How you make someone else feel will resonate with them more than any advice or input you contribute to the conversation. Remember, it’s not typically your job to “fix” someone else’s problems; however, by taking the time to listen and engage with them, you are doing much more than you might realize.
Keep in mind, too, that when we are struggling, we often need the time and energy of others. It can be so hurtful when others do not match or reciprocate those needs. So, by actively listening, you are putting out the type of helpful efforts you will need into the world.
Respectfully,
Dustin.
Gagner
beautiful photo