Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) comes with a great deal of positives and negatives. A person with ADHD is often prone to difficulties maintaining attention, impulsivity, forgetfulness, emotional reactions that are harder to handle, and poor executive functioning skills such as planning and organizing. It stands to reason that these difficulties do not occur in a vacuum; often, the problems that arise from poor emotional or attentional control can and do affect other people as well.
Relationships within the context of this blog post run the spectrum - familial, platonic, or romantic. Perhaps you can relate to this; you are going about your day when it suddenly hits you that you didn't complete a task. The initial shock hits: time is now limited (or has passed), and you are left with a sinking feeling that you messed up. How do you react in this situation?
There are some key aspects of ADHD to remember - for both the person with ADHD and the person connected to them - a great deal of difficulties experienced come from poorly developed or maintained executive functioning skills and strategies. It's not an excuse, nor does it absolve the person of their shortcomings; however, in order to promote understanding and growth on a personal or relationship level, there might be more going on "behind the scenes" that gets overlooked in the moment of conflict.
Time blindness.
Difficulties with planning or organizing.
Lack of novelty in the problem or task.
Limited motivation or interest.
Relationships & Conflict for a Person with ADHD.
Within this relationship, for a non-ADHD person, these instances of conflict or instances where a task is not completed may result in frustration (or even anger), added stress for planning or fixing issues quickly, and any financial issues that may result. For instance, you might have a married couple, one with ADHD and one without ADHD, who need to coordinate dinner for the night. The task of planning and completing the dinner task may end up falling on the person who does not have ADHD because they are already thinking about taking food out of the freezer, organizing a grocery list, and tracking how much time will be needed to cook all the ingredients.
Consider for a moment how much executive control is needed to plan out a dinner -- thinking ahead, taking inventory of needed items, and allocating time to cook.
Now, let's look at the person with ADHD in this scenario... dinner is a daily occurrence; it's not a foreign concept, and yet they might not even consider the task's intricacies because there is no immediacy to it. There's no novel challenge presented the night before because it is not happening yet.
There might also be another component here - the experience of past failure. Negative feedback or poor outcomes on the part of the person with ADHD.
Past meals prepared were completed late, left unfinished or ruined, and a conflict arises as a result.
How do people with ADHD view themselves?
I recently read a post mentioning "weaponized incompetence" from Amanda Perry, meaning that past experiences with failure can result in a person (with ADHD) fearing future failures or being unwanted. Again, this is not an excuse, nor does it absolve a person from their responsibilities to themselves or other people, but it can add a little more complexity to how we engage others and ourselves. Lifelong experiences with underperforming and failing to meet the expectations of others and the resulting feedback can leave a mark on a person's self-image.
"Am I a perfectionist afraid to disappoint someone else?"
"I am not good at x, so I shouldn't be involved/others do not want me to help."
Thus creating a vicious cycle of underwhelming performances, and the resulting outcomes may only further reinforce a sense of incompetence. However, taking on the other person's perspective in this relationship is important!
Are you communicating effectively with the other person, and taking time to account for their needs?
Have you voiced if you need help with any aspect of the task?
Feedback is not a bad thing, and it doesn't need to be taken personally!
The foundation of any relationship is communication. When communication breaks down, that is where misunderstandings fester; when left unchecked long enough, resentment grows, furthering that divide. If you are, for instance, the type of person who is "in your own head" a lot, this is your chance to shift your focus onto the other person. Your partner in this dynamic is not a mind-reader, and expecting them to be one is unfair.
So, what can I do about this? Great question!
For the person with ADHD in the Relationship:
Arguably, one of the most challenging aspects of this relationship dynamic is ownership. It goes both ways, but like anything else in life, how a person behaves will have outcomes. If the goal is to grow as a person, part of that process will be learning from mistakes, identifying problems before they occur, and having the skills to advocate for help.
As I mentioned earlier, feedback is a good thing and can be helpful for growth.
Being proactive shows that you are engaged and focused on problem-solving when necessary.
Reflection and perspective-taking are invaluable skills!
Remember, the better you know yourself, the better you will be at advocating your needs.
Using opportunities in safe environments with a trusted person can only help you to build on these skills for school, work, or anywhere else you may need to use them.
For the person in the Relationship without ADHD:
Take a moment, breathe, and understand that you are appreciated, even when it doesn't feel that way. Regardless of the dynamic type, you are an important person in the life of a person with ADHD. Most likely, you are the source of consistency and support that your partner needs; your understanding and empathy may be helping more than is realized.
There are two sides to every interaction, and it is important for the non-ADHD person to reflect on their patterns of behavior as well. Continually highlighting a person with ADHD's symptoms can be mutually draining for both people; it accomplishes little and only helps to build mutual resentment.
Find a way to work collaboratively with your ADHDer, a task or project that can be reframed as a novel challenge for them!
Motivation often comes from the need to think creatively and to solve problems in new ways.
Establish a realistic timeframe set by the ADHDer (we dislike being told what to do).
Check-in with the ADHDer and see how they are doing -
Did they eat? Take their medication? Facing additional stress from a different source?
Check-in with yourself and communicate these reflections with your ADHD partner.
Remind yourself to be patient with your partner and their struggles. Often, there is an internalized script of incompetence and the need to withdraw from others.
We're all doing our best but can expect more from others and ourselves.
Growth is about adapting to new situations, learning from them, and making changes to find success. A new school, job, and relationship. Finding comfort in what is uncomfortable may provide the long-term challenge or change you seek.
I believe checking-in with someone is an effective and quick way to maintain those lines of communication that are so vital in relationships. Sometimes, we need to only spot-clean surfaces after we use them; other times, we need to do a deep clean, especially if we've been lax in their upkeep.
I would love to hear from you about your experiences on either end of this topic. It doesn't need to be ADHD-specific; conflict and resolution occur in every relationship. Please leave a comment!
Special acknowledgment to Help Guide for the inspiration for this blog post.
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