Why High-achievers and Low-motivated Students Fall into the Same Trap: The Impact of Expectations

This blog post (and companion vlog at the bottom) will serve as a series of posts and videos called the “College Collection.” Basically, it is a running record of student composites that I have observed and worked with at the college level. I intend to provide the reader (or viewer) with insights into how different student types present in college, the struggles they most commonly face, and suggestions for parents and the student. 

Please keep in mind that this is based on my experiences, so this is more anecdotal than clinical. 

Student #1: The Highly Anxious/High-achieving Student. 

These students often come into college already on edge regarding their future performance (before classes have started), are more prone to being overlooked because of their high academic output, and face a lot of pressure (external and internal) to succeed. 

• Perfectionistic tendencies and a desire to please others often create a vicious cycle of taking on extra responsibilities and anxiety about performance in classes beyond what is typical. 

• Often, they “suffer in silence” due to concerns of being seen as incompetent or “weak” by others, coupled with the expectation that they will always turn in high-quality work. 

• For these reasons, they may forego personal support and focus only on academic support. 

Status within the institution and grades often become the sole focus for these students. Sometimes, they overlook personal care or hobbies to decompress from their demanding schedules. 

• They may be more inclined to take on extra coursework above that of a full-time student (typically 12-15 credits) to earn experience toward internships or graduate early. 

• Often, they will perseverate on academic performance out of concern for scholarship standing or maintaining their place in an honors program. 

• This can present itself through additional communications with their professors regarding their grades, excessive worrying about them, and putting in “too much” time preparing for assessments. 

Support for the High-achieving/Highly Anxious Student 

For the parents of high-achieving/highly anxious college students, it’s important to help them establish a balance between striving for good grades and maintaining their own personal well-being. 

Communication

Communication is the key, and how expectations are communicated can play a major role in how students perceive themselves and their efforts. We want our kids to do well and to have strong goals for their future; however, these goals need to be realistic and attainable, and sometimes, the priority needs to be personal care above being an “A student.” 

Be mindful of how and what you communicate with your child: 

• What messages are you sending your child, and is it aligned with their realistic goals? 

• Listen to the content of their conversations with you:

• Specifically how they speak about themselves and if they are demonstrating negative cycles (e.g., comparing themselves to peers or feeling inadequate compared to their “ideal selves.”). 

• For instance, is your child only focusing on setbacks or failing to recognize their achievements? 

Strategies for the Parent of a High-achieving/Highly Anxious Student:

Listen to them and allow them the opportunity to speak without interruption. 

• Give them the time and space to share their experiences, setbacks, and, most importantly, successes! 

• Reaffirm their efforts, praise them when things go well, and recognize efforts to overcome setbacks. 

• If they struggle with maintaining deadlines, highlight the efforts to stay on track despite the challenging schedule and encourage additional academic support for more difficult courses. 

Encourage them to seek support from the institution for help in whichever facet negatively impacts their college growth. 

• If they are struggling mentally with the burden of their coursework or having trouble making friends, focus on the layers of support provided by the institution. 

• Actively research ideas with your child to develop a game plan they can execute whenever they need the support. 

Recognize when they are overloading their schedules and are missing time for personal care.

• Find mutual hobbies that are both therapeutic and allow for positive bonding experiences with your child. 

• The bonding is a good reminder that you are there to support them and may facilitate more authentic conversations! 

Lastly, please don’t give up on them in times of struggle and frustration. They will need your support even more, even if they don’t immediately appreciate your efforts. 

Support Strategies for the High-achieving/Highly Anxious Student

I have observed that many high-achieving students struggle personally because they are often expected to do high-level work, which feeds into a constant cycle of internalized pressure to perform. Sometimes, the student needs to give themselves permission to take time away from their work to focus on themselves. 

Educate yourself about your requirements (e.g., scholarships or specific programs) and remind yourself that you are doing enough. 

• A lot of the time, additional stress comes from an inaccurate representation of what is actually required of you to maintain your scholarship or status within a specific program. 

• This misrepresentation can foster a cycle of internalized stress to always be preparing and performing.  

Recognize the signs of burnout and take active steps to seek support whenever you start feeling its effects. 

• Becoming burned out is often a gradual but pronounced experience – it comes from taking on too many responsibilities, not recognizing achievements, and hyper-fixating on potential negative outcomes. 

• Assignments will become “harder” to complete, deadlines will slip by, and motivation will plummet due to the internal noise you manifest as a response. 

Signs to look out for burnout include: 

• Exhaustion or fatigue that is beyond what is typical. 

• Increased cynicism or a lack of interest in your work/ongoing negative thought patterns. 

• The increased perception that you are useless or aren’t being “productive enough.” 

• Depression – which may cause a person to be more prone to burnout. 

• Hatred or resentment toward your work or schooling. 

• Insomnia/sleep troubles. 

• Low motivation.

• Difficulty concentrating. 

• Substance abuse. 

• Eating disorders.

Stay connected with loved ones, seek help when needed, and remember to keep pushing through any obstacles. Your efforts are significant and you can overcome setbacks.

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Student #2: The Low Buy-in/Low-Motivated Student 

The low buy-in/low motivated student is often one who is unsure as to what they want for their future and/or is unsure as to why they are attending college. That isn’t to say that college isn’t the right choice for them, but, at least at the start, they are left with more questions than answers regarding their future. 

My experience with these students has been a mix of either being pushed into college or being so beaten down by education in general that they lack the confidence to try higher education. 

However, there may be a variety of reasons as to why the student has not fully bought into the idea of college – 

• They don’t see students similar to themselves there.

• They are overwhelmed by the sheer number of decisions they must make or problems to solve.

• College might be the jumping-off point, but they are still determining what comes next. 

• New surroundings, living arrangements, expectations, etc. 

For many first-semester freshmen, a “culture shock” comes with attending a new institution, requiring a few weeks to acclimate. However, in some cases, the student may only continue to feel overwhelmed by the vastness of opportunities presented to them by their college. 

As mentioned before, for some students, education and learning in general may feel like an “exercise in futility” or an ongoing obligation they begrudgingly adhere to because it is expected of them. These students often struggle with maintaining their class responsibilities, keeping up with deadlines, and navigating social circles within an educational context. 

• College may present a lot of unique challenges because the expectation is that you will be self-directed and self-motivated to find success. 

• Student organizations or clubs exist, but it is up to you to find and follow through on joining them; they are often optional for graduation. 

Your major, the classes you take, the clubs you join, the friends you make, the support you seek, these are all up to you to decide on. 

Sometimes, these students need to stick it out a little longer and find their rhythm; once they experience success, it becomes infectious, and they learn to repeat certain behaviors to create more success. I have seen first-hand the transformative change that occurs for some students who start to buy into the idea of success, and once they get going, they are unstoppable! 

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Support Strategies for the Low Buy-in/Low-Motivated Student

Determine if college is the right place and if it’s the right time! In other words, if you believe college can benefit you, but it’s just the wrong time in life, work from that! 

If you’re unconvinced and unsure about your future career, perhaps the timing is wrong. You may also want to consider the type of institution you’re in and see if there is a viable alternative. For example, if you’re attending a four-year institution and taking a full-time course load, you may want to drop to part-time or transfer to a 2-year college instead. 

• I have experienced students who needed clarification about college who ended up withdrawing and getting into an apprenticeship instead. They liked the hands-on aspect of applying their knowledge and skills toward a trade and were much happier! 

Low buy-in may also stem from hesitancy regarding self-efficacy or the belief that you can meet the requirements of a given task. 

• One way to combat this thinking is to acknowledge your efforts and achievements and learn from what has worked. Instances of failure are also areas for personal development, too! 

• Seek support – you do not need to do this alone; the institution has support structures to help you in various ways, from academic to mental or physical health.  

Seek out advice and suggestions from your advisor and professors. These knowledgeable professionals can give you more insights into whatever future career you are considering. 

• Ask. Them. Questions! 

• Ask. For. Clarification! 

Give yourself a chance to find success and understand that this process doesn’t happen overnight. You might have to reevaluate your goals (a few times) and see what sticks with you the most. 

• Short-term and long-term SMART goals. 

• Work your schedule in YOUR favor. If you’re not a morning person, pick courses in the afternoon or nighttime. This is your chance to break from the limiting dynamics of high school. 

Supportive Ideas for Parents of Low-Motivated Students

The same approach that works for highly motivated/highly anxious students also applies here – open lines of communication and maintaining your focus on realistic goals for your child. 

• Maintain a position of being supportive, listening, and not pushing the “what ifs” too hard; your child is likely already aware of the “worst case” scenario. 

• This might be prompting them to be more lackadaisical in their approach; they’re already concerned with failing and being seen as a failure. 

• Discuss support structures within the institution and make a game plan with your child if they struggle. 

• Advisors, professors, and academic tutors are available for clarification and insight. 

Help your child to break down tasks into smaller steps. When we often struggle to make assignments into small pieces, we overestimate how much time it will take to complete and how much more difficult it will be, and then start to feel overwhelmed. 

• Self-reflection can be a powerful tool in these moments — being aware of your strengths and weaknesses to plan for setbacks and choose a route that highlights your interests. 

Essentially, you need to make college work for you as much as you are working within it.

Finally, if your child is still struggling and getting very little out of their time in college, it might be time to devise a different plan. College is costly in terms of time and money; there needs to come a time when you have to accept the situation for what it is and move on. 

• Again, that doesn’t mean this is a permanent decision, but it can save the student a lot of time, money, and heartache. 

What Can We Learn from High-achievers and Low-motivated Students? 

Upfront, students on both ends of this spectrum often need the same things: to have a supportive person in their corner, the knowledge that they can be successful, that setbacks - can and will - happen, and that they need to trust themselves. 

Parents of high-achievers and low-motivated students are often a primary source of support but can also be a source of stress for these students. How expectations are communicated - directly or indirectly - can have a lasting impression on the student. 

Goals are important for progress, but establishing realistic goals is equally important! If something is unattainable, all efforts - as valiant as they might be - will result in an ongoing internalized cycle of self-doubt and frustration. 

Support exists, and it is up to you - the student - to take the initiative to find and access it. From my experience, it can be heartbreaking watching a student struggle but not communicate their struggles outright. When a student does open up about how they are struggling, I find sources of support and help that student make a plan in a timely manner. Those who act on this guidance almost always report that they feel a sense of relief from their decision to make a change. 

These two student types represent two sides of the same coin; both have immediate expectations placed on them - internally or externally - and typically struggle with communicating their needs when facing adversity. 

If you are reading this and fit into either of these student types, please understand that you are not alone in this process, and many qualified professionals are available to help you. 

Respectfully,

Dustin.