If you've read my post "Getting Personal," you will have a backstory on my experiences as a student and professional with ADHD. This blog post now focuses on my experiences as a parent and my strategies to stay on top of childcare.
Raising a child or children is a complicated, taxing, and wonderful experience for anyone, especially for a person with difficulties with executive functioning. The bulk of the strategies, anecdotes, and outcomes come from my experiences and reflections managing as a parent with ADHD.
To learn more about E.F., please check out this post.
Strategies to Manage as a Parent with ADHD
Time management:
One area where a parent with ADHD will struggle significantly is planning for and carrying out all of the small and large responsibilities and tasks throughout the day or over days into weeks. Keeping track of which day corresponds with which activity or appointment can be (and is) overwhelming! The worst feeling is getting the phone call from someone asking "if you're still coming in today for X appointment," and you realize only then that you've mixed up your days.
There are a million options for managing your time, but the only system that will work is the one that is intuitive and sustainable over time.
Often, keeping track of your appointments requires planning before the day starts.
Personally, I have found that time management has become "easier" because the priority isn't managing time for myself as much as the focus is on my kids. I have experienced instances where I wasn't entirely focused on the timing of events (e.g., bottle feeding or a nap) and felt both the consequences of the mistiming and the guilt of not budgeting time properly for the sake of my child.
Routines
Routines are as vital for you as they are for your child(ren)! Love or hate them, you must be a source of consistency in setting and maintaining routines. This is necessary for structuring the day and keeping important appointments, but it is also essential for your child's well-being.
Children need boundaries and routines as part of their sense of security and to learn how to structure their day.
Predictability helps alleviate anxieties and reinforces the importance of expectations.
You learn to manage your time as you help your child do the same.
You are helping to set your child up for more success and an easier transition into school when they understand the importance of shifting between activities and how to structure their time.
In addition, you're helping them learn how to manage their time while doing the same for yourself.
Lastly, the more structured the children are (within reason), the less likely they will misbehave.
I am here to help! Click here to learn more about how I help high schoolers with disabilities, and their parents plan for life after high school.
A personal tip for parents with ADHD: speak aloud the steps of your day first thing in the morning and review them with your child. You can also do this before bed to model good planning habits. For instance, I get my two girls ready each morning, including getting my oldest fed, changed, and packed for daycare. I found the process was more straightforward each morning when I spoke aloud what I needed and included my toddler in the conversation.
I was less prone to forgetting items, and I started quizzing my 3-year-old about what we had ready and what was missing.
Now, when I mention getting ready to go out, she's got her itemized list ready, from her hat to her shoes.
It's engaging for my daughter and allows her to feel like she's helping meaningfully, and I am holding myself accountable for maintaining a routine.
It's also a self-directed approach, so I am more motivated to continue using it.
Task Completion
How often do you find yourself marred by executive dysfunction while also managing your children? You want to engage them in a fun play activity outside, but your house is a mess because all these small activities all day weren't fully completed. The pan used to cook eggs is still on the stove, half-consumed sippy cups are popping up in each room, and anywhere you step, you find a small (sharp) toy.
The culmination of routines, time management, and communication is showcased in how well we complete the tasks we start. When our routines break down, our time management is inconsistent, and we're suffering in silence or inadequately voicing our expectations to our children, it can feel impossible to see a task to its endpoint.
Impulsivity and wanting to "buck" routines in order to feel a sense of excitement in doing something unexpected.
A lack of upkeep in chores can cause setbacks in shifting into new activities.
Diminished sustained focus to monitor task progress and commitment to its completion.
Communication & Emotional Regulation for the Parent with ADHD
Whether you are communicating with your child or your partner, what you say and how you convey it will be an important part of your parenting approach. Communication helps when coordinating tasks and transitioning, like giving a "one minute left" reminder to a toddler before stopping an activity. It also helps us establish and reinforce routines and expectations.
In my experiences, I have noticed that when my routines are inconsistent, my sleep is disrupted, my stress is high, and my overall sense of accomplishment is low, I am more prone to shutting down. This only further compounds difficulties, especially when I am having trouble connecting with my wife because I am so distracted.
I experience a lot more parental guilt because I am more focused on my shortcomings and less on being present and focused on my kids.
It's hard to explain to a young child these experiences, but it's arguably worse to be stuck in this "mental muck" and remain unresponsive or anxious.
Emotional Responsiveness
Parenting comes with a lot of highs and lows -- how we react or the level of intensity can also directly impact outcomes in child behavior. As a person with ADHD (or some combination), you are more likely to be prone to high levels of arousal in connection to your behavioral patterns as a coping mechanism.
As a parent with ADHD, you are expected to be a model for appropriate behavior. Expectations require consistency, and our responsiveness to situations can help to defuse or exacerbate outcomes.
Think of it like setting the thermostat too high and wondering later why you're sweating profusely.
Children begin to emulate and reproduce what they experience through implicit or explicit modeling, even if you don't think they are seeing it.
Take structured breaks when needed if you feel overwhelmed and cannot cope. Remember that kids push boundaries and test limits and that you can apologize and try again if you make a mistake.
Self-care
One of the most overlooked aspects of ADHD symptom management is proper (define this however you want) self-care. Parenting requires a lot of energy and involvement, so it's understandable that you are going to feel burned out from time to time. We devote so much time to our kids that we forget how to be ourselves, and this also applies to our relationships with others.
Combine the typical stressors of parenthood with the understanding that people with ADHD are more prone to experiencing burnout at higher levels for various reasons, and you see why you need to prioritize your self-care even more. Diet and sleep consistency are two of the top reasons why people with ADHD struggle so much in their daily lives, even without child-rearing.
Be cognizant of your behavioral patterns;
how much you overexert yourself and why;
sleep quality and consistency;
dietary habits;
productive and prosocial hobbies, and support networks.
Authenticity as an Adult with ADHD and Masking
In my research, I came across articles discussing masking and ADHD, and it sparked another idea for me. How authentic am I when I parent my children?
Essentially, am I able to be myself and express my ADHD symptoms, or are these characteristics and "deficits" counterproductive to my efforts to maintain consistency across all aspects of parenting? For instance, I stim to vent my pent-up energies, anxieties, and frustrations. I tap, leg-bounce, and vocalize words or make up silly songs. I doodle in meetings but still maintain my attention on the speaker; it's actually harder to function when I suppress these urges.
I guess I am less concerned about this right now since my girls are at an age where it's seen as funny or entertaining, but I do maintain a degree of "worry," I suppose, for when they are older. Perhaps I am overthinking it. However, since ADHD is genetic, I am hopeful that if either of them shows similar signs, I can be a good role model for how to cope with and grow through these challenges.
I am excited to read your thoughts and experiences!
Respectfully,
Dustin.
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