Why “Shoulding” Yourself Sometimes Sets You Up for Failure.
This week’s blog focuses on our experiences with “shoulding” ourselves. In other words, we put situations in a black-or-white frame of right or wrong and what you can do about it.
How often do you want to make a change or complete a task, but your mindset is fixed on what you “should” do?
I should eat better.
I should get my homework done.
I should call that person back.
I should be happy.
I should, I should, I should…
However, you need more motivation to follow through despite knowing what you should do. Why is that?
Shoulding Yourself
We often fall into a “should do” mentality because we’re faced with a situation that becomes an all-or-nothing choice. It partially responds to what “others would do” or what we “ought” to do. Yet, it does little to motivate us to act.
This type of mindset is an internalized script used to criticize ourselves. Intuitively, we know what needs to be done, but it’s a matter of what we want to do, not what we should do.
Unfortunately, it’s also a byproduct of how we are raised, and the subtext of this thinking is that we cannot trust ourselves to make the “right” choice if we do not nitpick ourselves into action.
Identifying your wants is liberating and motivating.
It promotes choices, even if they aren’t “what’s right.”
Sometimes the “right choice” comes at the “wrong time.”
In other words, determining the right time to call someone back requires more than just timeliness; it requires a headspace that is present and prepared for that conversation. Guilting yourself into feeling “happy” is a trap, and it’s important to recognize your true feelings and their reasons.
Shift from Should to Want
From a young age, we are conditioned to replace what we want with what we should want. In other words, I want to be a good person, but in moments of decision-making, I feel compelled that I should do the “right thing” for myself or someone else.
I should help that person with their tire on the side of the road.
I should donate more money at the checkout counter.
I should reach out to family and friends more to check on them.
When I frame my thinking into a “should,” I often find enough reasons not to do it. The shoulds create an obligation, an artificial sense of importance or urgency that does nothing to spur action.
I should call my aunt, but I’m just so busy now.
I should visit my friend, but I don’t want to bother him.
However, when I reframe these tasks into “I will” statements, I have decided that I want to, have reason to, and am motivated to act on them.
I have buy-in to make a call or schedule plans to see someone.
I see the positive of acting and the reward for doing so.
I have mindfully acknowledged my intentions and willingness to move forward.
In addition, I am trusting myself to identify a need, construct a plan of action, and feel motivation, not obligation, to proceed.
I am intrinsically motivated and want to do X.
Conversely, I know what I do not want to do. Sometimes I need to discern what I do not want to do and act on that acknowledgement.
Identify the pros and cons of acting.
Identify potential triggers of acting/not acting.
Identify the temporal aspects (e.g., timeliness vs urgency).
For instance, I might feel compelled to respond to an email because of its urgency at work. However, the subject matter is sensitive and requires additional processing and formulation of a complete response.
“I should get back to this person ASAP!”
“Quickly responding might cause future issues or a miscommunication.”
Perhaps the person I’m responding to is my boss or an upset parent – does a poorly constructed quick response trump a delayed but well-thought-out one?
“I want to think about this more and give a complete answer first.”
“My response is important, but it’s equally important to show that I’ve considered the matter.”
“I will process this subject and respond that I will communicate soon with a complete answer.”
This process avoids impulsively responding while acknowledging the importance of the person’s inquiry.
It also mitigates any emotionality associated with the subject matter or the urgency to respond.
Lastly, it allows processing time to construct a complete answer.
Want to Want Rather Than Should to Want
We cannot avoid the shoulds in our lives; however, we can repurpose that mindset (and associated feelings) into a more optimistic mindset of wants.
Establishing wants frees us to make plans that speak to us while inspiring motivation to act.
Allowing our wants to drive us also alleviates unwanted negative energy or feelings from accumulating.
It also allows us to reframe our desires to face more challenging tasks with a growth mindset.
I want to exercise more, but I don’t have to get up at 5:30 AM to get to the gym to accomplish this goal. I can find alternative ways to break a sweat that help me accomplish other tasks too.
Actively playing with my kids outside for an hour meets two desires.
Mindful eating helps me feel better, even if I cannot exercise.
Cleaning the house or taking care of the lawn promotes active movement and keeps things tidy.
I want to feel more active and healthier and keep my house clean or engage in play with my kids.
The difference is in how I frame my mindset and define my accomplishments.
I can also show compassion in acknowledging the areas of success and finding balance to avoid becoming overwhelmed or burned out.
Shed the Should Mentality for the Want or Can-do Attitude!
You can define what success means to you; your attitude and willingness to try will make the difference between feeling like a failure and a work in progress.
Remember, too – these small changes and actions can have a snowball effect. Once the momentum begins to pick up, you will find yourself unstoppable.
Start by recognizing your strengths, interests, and anything that motivates you. Actively monitor your thought processes and target the negative self-talk patterns. Challenge these messages and ask yourself: “Why should I?”
Respectfully,
Dustin.
Comments